The Marauder's Guide
by occaecation
Summary: The Marauder's guide to Hogwarts, the Universe, and Everything! Filled with wacky lists and endless commentary from your favorite quartet. Later on will include JPLE, RLOC, and SBOC. NO SLASH! Please R&R!


Disclaimer: They should put a big, huge, public disclaimer on We do not own anything we write about; with the exception of the original characters (assuming the story has any.)

A/N: Steph wanted to do a Marauder's fic, Rayne wanted to do something with lists… Well, here you go!

Remus/ Moony writes _in italics_

James/ Prongs writes with an underline

Sirius/ Padfoot writes **in bold** and

Peter/ Wormtail writes normally

**The Marauder's Guide to Hogwarts, the Universe, and Everything**

_Salve! _

Ciao!

**Bonjour!**

Err… Hello?

Mr. Black-

**Don't call me that!**

Mr. White, was that French?

Who are you talking to?

**French is the language of LUV**

_Vos totus es idiots_

**Why thank you!**

You speak-a dè Latin?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

**Shove off, Mr. Pettigrew**

_Be nice, Mr. White_

Mr. Pettigrew cries and leaves

**Mr. White rejoices**

So does Mr. Potter

**You know that we are completely off-topic?**

Right, back to the point.

_Wait a second, we HAD a point?_

**It all started when dear little Mr. Potter brought his diary to school…**

I told you, it's a journal, not a diary!

_Right, journal. Well, Mr. White caught him writing in it…_

**And confiscated it for the good of Mr. Potter's social life.**

So now all of us writing in it is completely normal, right?

**Mr. White chooses to ignore that.**

_Well, then Misers White and Potter had the marvelous idea of making this journal a guide to-_

Hogwarts!

**The Universe!**

_And Everything!_

**First, our list of the top ten things to do on the Hogwarts Express as a first year:**

1. Buy everything on the snack trolley. Say it has gone bad and demand a refund.

2. No matter what people say, refuse to change until you can see the castle, or at least until the train stops. At that point, pull out a vivid-colored set of robes.

3. Clog the toilet after you use it- you can really clog it, or you can throw in a couple rolls of toilet paper,

4. Leave the sink running and block all the pipes.

5. Eat your seat- or at least pretend to.

6. Commit random acts of possessiveness (ie NO! That's MY dust bunny, etc.)

7. Every few minutes, send people to the front of the train and make them announce random things over the speaker system until the conductor kicks them out. Some good ideas are: Hey, is that a lose bolt? Do I smell fire whiskey in here? Isn't there supposed to be a conductor? Where'd the bridge go? The next one would be best with at least two people: 'Why's the fuel meter pointing to "E"?' 'It must stand for "enough fuel"' 'Or extremely fuel' 'Or 'engulfed with fuel"'

8. Run up and down the train, screaming either in another language or incoherently- they both work.

9. Spike everything in the snack trolley with fire whiskey.

10. Throw a dance party in the Prefect's compartment.

That last one didn't flow over well with the Prefects…

**Yeah, but that was so fun- and that Hufflepuff chick was smokin'!**

_Right... Anyway, we'd better change- the train HAS stopped._

So Mr. White, what color are your vivid- colored robes?

**Why, they are a neon pink Mr. Potter**

Oh how delightful! And you Mr. Lupin?

_They happen to be the normal color of Black_

**You aren't going Goth on us, are you Mr. Lupin?**

_Afraid not Mr. White_

Good because you wouldn't look good Goth

**I must agree with you Mr. Potter and by the way what color are your robes?**

A neon green that will look very good next to your own robes Mr. White 

**Splendid!**

_How did I ever get mixed up with you two?_

Well you were looking for somewhere to sit

**And our compartment happened to be the only empty one**

And we enchanted you with our good looks and wonderful ideas of a guide

**And you were drawn to us by forces beyond your comprehension**

Simple because we are so amazing and wonderful, isn't that right Mr. White?

**Yes completely correct**

But one last thing before we leave this train of fun and delight, and go on our quests for knowledge and girl-friends

**What would that be Mr. Potter?**

Where'd Mr. Pettigrew go?

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A/N: Hope you liked it- Please review! Oh, these are the translations:

_Hello!_

Hello!

**Hello!**

And later on:

_You all are idiots_

Also, for anyone reading What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas, we're working on an update right now!


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